The Most Evil Group In The World

The president looked up from the papers on his desk.

“I hope you’re bringing me solutions, not problems, Hank,” he said.

“I am, Mr President. At least, I am if we handle it correctly.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“It’s BP, Mr President.”

The president sighed.

“Don’t tell me they’re leaking more oil again, Hank. Really, it was a great idea, and the timing was perfect. We got the eco-hippies on our side, despite all the pollution. We got the American oil companies on our side, despite them doing much worse in Africa. Heck, we even got the opposition on our side, because the public want a lynching. But them limeys screw up another oil well, the public will start blaming us.”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that, Mr President. It’s just, it’s worked so well. We got people burning British flags, even though BP isn’t a British company anymore. People hate them worse than Iran, and they’re our ally, so no matter how much people hate them, we can’t go to war with them. No body bags coming from London, no expensive missiles wasted. It’s perfect.”

The president nodded. “Yeah, okay, it was a pretty good plan. So why meddle with it?”

“Not meddle, Mr President, build on it. You know that Arab they released? The Lockerbie bomber? Well, there’s a rumour going round that BP were the ones that freed him.”

“What? Talk sense, Hank. It was the British government. Well, at least, it was the Scottish government.” The president frowned. “You know, I think I’ll have to have that briefing again. Is Scotland part of Britain, or is it the other way round? How come they got two governments anyway?”

“The buzz is, Mr President, that BP lobbied the Brits to release him in return for drilling rights in Libya.”

“Really? Gee, they crucified us when they accused us of going into Iraq over oil, and yet BP did that?”

“That’s the rumour. It’s a good job they never guessed why we really went into Iraq.”

“But is it true?”

Hank shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. He got released on our watch, but it turns out it was all BP’s fault, and the public already hate them.”

“What’s the source? Is it trustworthy.”

“I’m not sure, Mr President. We haven’t actually decided which web site to start the rumour on yet, but I expect it will be credible.”

“Ah!” said the president, as realisation dawned slowly. “I see. One of those rumours.”

“That’s right. What’s more, I’m pretty sure there’s compelling evidence that BP colluded with the Japanese over Pearl Harbor.”

“Pearl Harbor? That’s reaching a bit far, isn’t it?”

“The home automotive industry is suffering, Mr President. If we could do something to turn public opinion against Japanese imports, I’m sure General Motors et al would remember come election time.”

“Pearl Harbor! Man, those evil SOBs.”

“And when that calms down, Mr President, there’s always Boston.”

“What about Boston?”

“Well, all that tea in the harbour. Sounds like pollution to me, Mr President. And they were all in disguise, too. That doesn’t sound like patriots proud of their country to me.”

“You think we can sell this, though? The public aren’t idiots.” Hank gave the President a quizzical look. “Well, not all of them. How can we convince them this is all true?”

“Leave it to me, Mr President. I have a contact in Hollywood. There’s one man who can turn public opinion against the English in his sleep.”

“Who’s that?”

Hank pulled out his phone and smiled.

“Mel Gibson, Mr President. Mel Gibson.”


About snodlander
Snodlander is the nom de plume of Bob Simms. He is an IT trainer, but it's not as glamourous as it sounds. When he's not enthralling classes with adventures through SQL Server, he writes, draws and drinks his own home-brew. Buy his novel on Amazon Kindle at The Young Demon Keeper, It's 74p, for crying out loud!

3 Responses to The Most Evil Group In The World

  1. treepanda says:

    Well, if you all wouldn’t have rounded up and locked folks into churches back in the 1770s and 1780s we wouldn’t be here, now, would we? 😉 Pity your soldiers looked and sounded so good, though…

  2. D. Longo says:

    It seems that Hank’s imagination suffers from his own manipulations. Other, horrific issues might be attributed to the English: slavery, malaria, STD’s, pornography, Yorkshire pudding, and an abominably difficult language. On the other hand, the English did present the world with Twiggy. 🙂

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