Growing Up

“Mike!” Ellen frowned and leant away from her partner.

Mike affected an air of exaggerated innocence. “What?”

“You know what. Oh jeez, that’s disgusting.” She moved to the other end of the couch and leant away again.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

“You are so immature, you know that? You’re a little kid.”

“What? I can’t help it. Do you never let one rip? It’s a natural biological function.”

“So is dying, and I shall smother you in your sleep, so help me God.”

“Seriously, what’s the matter? Don’t your farts smell?”

“Yes, on occasion I have passed wind, but the difference is, I excuse myself. I don’t giggle like a four-year-old that’s just said ‘Willy!'”

“He-he. You just said ‘Willy’.” Mike covered his mouth with his hand and sniggered. Helen clenched her fist and glared at him.

“See? See? You need to grow up.”

“But I thought you liked my sense of humour. I’ve read your Cosmo. The surveys all say, top answer: sense of humour.”

“You read my Cosmo?”

“Only for photos of women in underwear and the chick porn. ‘With one bound he was by her side. She felt his hot breath on her cheek as his rough hands tore at the flimsy silk.'”

“Then you should know that you said, ‘childish and immature’ Our survey said: Uh-uh.”

“I’ll keep you young when we’re in a retirement home.”

“You’ll put me in my grave long before that. Seriously, love, it’s fine in small doses, but please, please try and grow up a bit. Given the choice between you groping my boobs and shouting ‘Whey-hey-hey, how many of those do you get to the pound?’ and a romantic, fart-free evening in front of the TV, I know which one I’d prefer. Don’t!” she shouted, as he leant forward, hands reaching for her chest.

“Oh, you’re getting old and boring.” Mike pulled a sulky face and crossed his arms. “Next you’ll stop me reading Harry Potter.”

“You are not reading Harry Potter anymore. I told you that.”

“But it’s a modern classic, love.”

“We are not having this conversation again.”

“They do versions in adult covers.”

“No more.”

“Why not?”

“You know why not.”

“Is it because you want me to make love to you in bed instead of reading the book?”

“We’re not going there.”

“Is it because you’re embarrassed that your friends might catch me reading it?”

“You’re not reading any more of them.”

“Or is it because at the peak of my passion the other night I screamed ‘Expelliramus!”

“See? See? That’s exactly what I mean. Why did you do that? Why did you ruin a perfectly beautiful and tender moment shouting that out.”

“Because it was funny.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Yes it was.”

“No, it was childish and immature.”

“Yes, and funny too.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“It was.” Mike leant forward, trying to catch her eye. “Just a little bit funny.” He held his finger and thumb up. “Just an incy wincy bit funny.”

She glared at him while he maintained his hang-dog expression, lower lip theatrically quivering, his fingertip almost touching his thumb.

“Okay, just a little bit, but you still shouldn’t have done it.”

“Yes!” Mike punched the air. “I knew it was funny.”

“It would have been funny if you’d said, ‘wouldn’t it be funny if I shouted that?’ But not to do it at the time.”

“No, no. You just said it was funny. I win, you lose. I win, you lose.”

Ellen sighed. “Jeez, are you even listening? Being young and being childish are two different things. Sure, I want you to be fun, but -”

“But you want me to be boring too. Fun but boring. Yep, got that message loud and clear.”

“Fun but responsible. Fun but grown-up. Fun but not immature.”

“But think what a great granddad I’ll be. The kids will be able to identify with me. I’ll know exactly who they’re talking about when they’re discussing the kids’ TV programmes.”

“And crying because Granddad won’t let them have their turn with their toys.”

“And adventure parks. I’ll be able to go on the merry-go-rounds without being thrown out of the park again.”


“Oh, nothing. So what you’re saying is, you want me to have adult fun?”

“Yes, that’s exactly – ” She saw the lecherous grin on his face, but it was too late. “I meant, I want you to stop being a four-year-old.”

“Adult fun, eh?” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Well, you know I’m always up for that. You want to see Harry Potter’s magic wand?”

“I’m warning you, Mike.”

“I can turn myself into a raging animal, you know.”

“More like a wounded puppy.”

“The Ministry of Magic certified -”

“Stop! One more Harry Potter reference and you’ll be banned from nooky for a week.”

“Nooky?” said Mike, faking surprise. “Nooky is a very childish word for sexual congress. I really wish you’d be mature like me.”

Ellen sighed again and looked at her watch. “Well, okay, if you’re quick. I have to get up for work tomorrow.”

“Dammit, I love it when you talk sexy like that.”

Ellen finally allowed the chuckle that had been building up to escape. “Go on. I’ll switch everything off down here. But I really mean it about Harry Potter.”

Mike locked his lips and threw away the invisible key. Then he mimed straddling a broomstick and ran towards the door.

Ellen switched the TV off and double checked the doors. He was a big kid, and the child-like qualities he had, the easy laugh, the enthusiasm, the honesty of his emotion, they all appealed to her. If only he could be more child-like and less childish. Still, he was maturing, even if he fought against it

She smiled to herself. ‘When we are together in a retirement home,’ he’d said. ‘When we have grandchildren.’ Those were grown-up thoughts. Yes, in three or four decades he’d maybe even reach twenty. No older, though. Please God, no older.


About snodlander
Snodlander is the nom de plume of Bob Simms. He is an IT trainer, but it's not as glamourous as it sounds. When he's not enthralling classes with adventures through SQL Server, he writes, draws and drinks his own home-brew. Buy his novel on Amazon Kindle at The Young Demon Keeper, It's 74p, for crying out loud!

One Response to Growing Up

  1. Oh bob seriously, I’m going to bust a kidney!!

    I loved this – I also love Harry Potter. I am forever pretending to cast spells; I call “accio keys” when I’m looking for them, I should “aveda kedavra” when Darren pisses me off 🙂

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